Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
