I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
