I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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