When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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