i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
