walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
