I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
