Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
