I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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