i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
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How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today