I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child