I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm like the big dick whisperer.