he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
