Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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