Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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