I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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