Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
