First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
