i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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