Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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