I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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