Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
