Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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