stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
