oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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