Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
