I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
