I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
