Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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