my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
