i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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