The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I wish there were birth control emojis
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
