Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
