I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
