She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
