well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
