that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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