you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
