i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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