I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
