My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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