Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
