you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
