I wish I could teleport
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
