Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
