i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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