one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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