Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
