Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize