it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
