I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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