then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
