I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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