Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
