Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
is that a dick in a sweater?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
