everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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