So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
